How Not to Lose Yourself in Motherhood
When Dr. Pooja Lakshmin — a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the George Washington University School of Medicine — began posting on her Instagram account about motherhood, self-care, and burnout, she had no idea how much she would be tapping into a national phenomenon.
“Then The New York Times reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in writing for their parenting section, and I had no idea just how much my articles would echo across America,” Pooja says. “I found in writing for the Times that my words and the perspective I was bringing to mental health and self-care came to life. I’ve been able to share in a way that felt more authentic than when I was trying to get academic writing published. I love being able to make mental health accessible.”
Pooja is the founder of Gemma, a women’s mental health digital education platform.
Now she’s also writing a book titled “Empowered: Free Yourself From the Tyranny of Self-Care and Build True Well-Being” (Penguin Random House, 2023) which takes aim at the solutions marketed to women under the guise of “self-care”, examines the ways in which social structures have failed women and families, and provides a novel framework for real self-care that is internal, compassionate, and sustainable.
While it can be comforting to know that the problems working parents face right now are universal, it doesn’t change the struggle. Here’s her advice for not losing yourself while caring for little ones.
- Keep an eye out for “burnout” — and its underlying causes.
For many working women, this year has involved an increased workload at both home and work, as well as impossible choices between family and professional responsibilities. The result—for many women—is burnout.
While burnout might sound like a casual way of describing being overwhelmed, the clinical-level description of burnout involves exhaustion, futility, and difficulty connecting with others. The first step: understanding that your guilt and exhaustion are based on the choices of others.
The problem with using the term burnout, she explains, is that it exonerates a broken system.
“You didn’t make these choices – your employer and our nation did. This is not a personal failing.” she explains. - Beware the easy fixes.
Pooja is no stranger to burnout herself.
“I found myself burned out as a resident,” she explains. “I tried yoga and meditation, and they worked for a little while, but then I would get busy again. I realized that the only thing that worked in my life was learning how to set boundaries and take control.”
“The idea that you just need to do self-care is ignoring the fact that our systems are failing us. There’s pressure to perform these manufactured tasks when, in fact, the real problem is that our social structure isn’t taking care of us.” - Take the time for real self-care.
“Real self-care is the internal work – identifying your priorities, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations with your employer or your partner about what tasks are realistic right now,” Pooja says.
She points out that having the time and energy to do this internal work is a privilege that the most vulnerable women in our country — including Black women, single parents, and those living in poverty — are not afforded, which is why we need systemic solutions. - Look out for martyr mode.
With so many challenges, how do you prevent yourself from falling into the trap of putting yourself last?
“It requires making hard decisions and finding people who are going to support you with those decisions,” explains Pooja, who has identified with being goal-oriented throughout her life, from her days as a badge-earning Brownie all through medical school.
“There’s so much pressure on moms to do it all and to do it all perfectly, and there’s no recognition of the cost.” - Seek support.
“When you’re asking yourself these hard questions, it’s so important to have other women in your life that are also working to change long-standing patterns.”
Pooja believes there is no replacement for that support.
“Build a community of women with the same struggles—which can be virtual, in Facebook groups, or even over group texts. Finding those trusted people will make a difference in difficult times in your life.”
